Yours, mine, ours… how to handle our emotions in reconstituted families
It is estimated that almost half of all couples who get married are later divorced and, of these, approximately 70% re-enter a new relationship. What we now call “reconstituted families” refers to a family structure in which at least one of the members of the couple already has a child from an earlier relationship.
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The starting point of this relationship may be due to two causes, a previous separation/ divorce, or the death of one of the spouses.
This type of family implies a great challenge for all its members, as both parents and children must face important adjustments, create new bonds and manage their emotions with skill. There are studies that indicate that in these families, the stresses are significantly greater and qualitatively different.
On the one hand, the members of the new family already bring to the table a previous family history and tradition. Children usually live in two different homes, with different standards and ways of functioning. And it is also necessary to generate a very complex network of family relationships, since a second marriage can involve three or four families. In spite of this, it is possible to create a pleasant atmosphere.
The first challenge to face is to consolidate the bond between the couple, since it is the fundamental base which supports any family structure. Unlike what happens in families when it is a first marriage for both, in reconstituted ones it is possible that each member of the pair is at a different stage of the family cycle. For example, while one may have satisfied their parental urges, the other may not yet have fulfilled this wish
Another important challenge is to define and reorganise roles. Some parents assume from the outset the role of imposing norms and managing the discipline of the new group, in an attempt to participate in the raising of stepchildren. This precipitation usually generates resentments, so it is necessary to work out the relationship in advance and, when an appropriate bond has been created, to assume this role. The ambiguity of roles can generate many conflicts and uncertainty in the new family group.
On the other hand, family relationships are another essential pillar for the consolidation of the new family. Falling for the so-called 'instant love myth', the new spouses may try to gain approval from their stepchildren at any cost and very quickly. This causes a bias in the relationship, since everything that can be conflictive is avoided and, because this cannot be maintained for a long time, the situation leads to a feeling of 'emotional blackmail'.
And finally, the relationship with former spouses can be another source of tension. In many cases there is barely any relationship, in an erroneous attempt to limit conflict. The predominant feeling between them is usually hostility, which can contaminate the new couple. The redefining of relations with former spouses is necessary, especially when the shared children have not yet reached adulthood.
10 THINGS THE RECONSTITUTED FAMILY SHOULD ALWAYS BEAR IN MIND
1. Always deal with feelings of loss, grief, guilt or jealousy related to the previous relationship, both between the couple and the children.
2. Give the children some time to adjust to the new situation. It is better to wait at least a year after the break-up before remarrying.
3. Try to help the children to gradually feel a sense of belonging to the new family, taking advantage of any common interests or activities.
4. Discuss and decide on pending issues from the previous relationship that could affect the new family.
5. Develop a style of communication that allows all members of the family to express constructive criticism and complaints.
6. Develop channels for the children to have a healthy relationship with the former spouse and/or extended families.
7. Establish roles and limits, and create a few new rules for the new home.
8. You may have to adjust the parenting ideas as a couple. Be consistent with rules and discipline, progressively taking on the role of stepfather or mother.
9. Agree beforehand on issues such as the household budget and where to live. Regarding money, make it clear what each person’s contribution will be and, as regards housing, it is always better to move to a new one or renovate the old one, if possible.
10. Try to progressively establish strong family relationships, taking care of the needs of the children, without ever usurping the role of the other parent.
