Summer as a couple: keys to live together on holidays

Some couples face conflicts by frequent arguing, which generates a communication style that destroys them, full of criticism, reproaches and disrespect. Others, on the contrary, avoid them and in doing so dynamite little by little their levels of intimacy and commitment. When this happens, living together becomes difficult and can lead to much suffering.

Holiday periods are moments of closer contact and coexistence; you spend more time together and share activities, which make any accumulated deficits emerge. During work periods, routine, schedules and responsibilities mask these difficulties and maintain them in a dormant state. This is the reason why after the holiday period there is a significant increase in separations and divorces.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO OVERCOME CRISES?

Some practices can help you a lot to channel and resolve conflicts which arise during the holidays. If this becomes a joint objective for both partners, it can help to heal the relationship.

1. Increase the exchange of positive behaviour

It is important to allocate time and effort to detect sources of rewards for your partner, what they like and what makes them feel loved and cared for.

2. Express needs

Many frustrations and disappointments arise from not feeling that your partner covers your basic emotional needs. You presume that if they love you, they will detect these needs, and if they don’t cover them, you will feel a lack of affection. Getting used to communicating what you need from your partner resolves many problems.

3. Develop and carry out agreements

Tackling differences is of vital importance to the relationship. Confronting them as something natural and even enriching, and trying to reach agreements about these differences also helps to improve living together.

4. Working on communication skills

Being able to have a conversation, to listen, control reproaches and criticism, to acknowledge the other person’s point of view without judging or denying it, and offering signs of active listening, is vital to maintain a good relationship. Working on communication skills is a very important element of therapy aimed at resolving couple conflicts. (Costa and Serrat, 1982).

5. Change dysfunctional thinking  
Some conflicts are not resolved because they are maintained by irrational ideas. Inappropriate attributions, hidden intentions, false expectations, etc., which in many cases derive from learned standards or preconceived ideas, are usually the foundations of these false thought patterns. Sometimes professional help is needed in order to carry out this restructuration.

6. Improve the expression of emotions and the level of intimacy
When conflicts are not resolved, they condition the emotional state of the couple and what is ultimately transmitted are emotions such as irritation or anger instead of emotions and primary needs. Seeking your partner’s support will make them offer the support you need.

7. Create feelings of acceptance in the relationship
Feeling accepted and accepting is a basic component of any healthy interpersonal relationship. According to Halford, there are three techniques to induce acceptance: empathy: ie. putting yourself in your partner’s place; objectivity: base your conclusions on verifiable facts; and tolerance: being capable of accepting differences and mistakes.

8. Increase the level of mental energy dedicated to knowing and understanding your partner’s world
Trying to incorporate your partner’s point of view and dedicating efforts to understand their motivations and behaviour encourages empathy and coexistence, as it avoids corrosive justifications and arguments.

9. Admiration and affection
Admiring your partner, valuing their strengths, skills and qualities, is an antidote to contempt and humiliation.

10. Resolving problems
When a problem arises you have to head for looking for the solution and avoid arguments. To do so, the first step is to find the appropriate moment to treat it, which enables to approach it calmly. Then you have to concentrate on defining the problem concretely, by expressing the emotions and responsibility you have in the situation. Lastly, the contribution of several solution alternatives and a joint decision will enable you to progress in resolving the problem.