Why didn’t I shut up?: How to fight verbal incontinence  

Language has a big psychological impact. What you say and how you say it counts a lot in your personal image. Verbal communication is a strong tool to establish and maintain interpersonal relations. For this reason, being able to control it is essential.

Why does it happen?

In some cases a person will talk too much as a result of hyperactivity and lack of control over what they do. These are very active, talkative people, who don’t stop for a second, who feel the need to jump from one topic to another and who have difficulty controlling their behaviour.

In other cases it’s a habit linked to pathologies such as anxiety. These are insecure people, with an abrupt way of speaking, which hurriedly say what the person they are talking to is suggesting, who need to say everything they think without respecting the conversation, who strive for attention and feel the need to please everyone to feed a false self-esteem.    

How to identify it?

At first glance they may seem spontaneous, friendly and extroverted people, but when you get to know them better you can easily perceive a clear difficulty for dialog. Before long, the gushing way they talk is quite tiring and boring when you start a conversation with them. The traits they usually show are the following:

• Excessive talking.

• Difficulty to respect speaking time. They don’t leave others time to speak.

• Jumping from one topic to another impulsively and with little planning.

• They get lost in conversations and impose their own topics.

• Tendency to give their opinions without considering if it is appropriate to do so at the time.

• They interfere in others’ business and make inappropriate comments.

• Difficulties to handle silences.

• Immediate answers which reveal lack of thought and planning of the conversation.

• Regretting comments.

• Frequent justifications such as ‘I’m honest, I say what I think’.

Is there a solution?

It may seem paradoxical, but someone who talks too much makes communication difficult. For a conversation to flow it is just as important to talk as it is to listen, and a verbally incontinent person has great difficulty in listening.

Changing this habit is possible as long as the person recognises it and realises the need for change. Working on self-control and communication skills will provide the tools to achieve it:

• Self-control. Learning strategies which enable to plan, and to inhibit both impulses and automatic answers.

• Active listening. The skill of showing the other person signs that you are listening. For example, asking for more information with appropriate questions, referring to details they are talking about, maintaining appropriate body language and not interrupting them while they speak.

• Assertiveness. Style of communication which involves both the expression and defence of personal opinions and rights, and the acknowledgement and respect of those of the other person.

• Self-evaluation. Tracking the change process which involves assuming the responsibility of facing difficulties that may arise and continuing in the desired direction.